Love
Content in this section is mature
We are going to discuss heavy topics like finding love and sex.
Will I find someone to love me?
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes my sweet little gumdrop, you will find so many people who not only love you, but who are passionately and whole heartedly enamored with you. Friendly love, casual love, and of course, long term, passionate, romantic love. You are so worthy of this, and so much more.
But first and most importantly, you must fall in love with the most important person. Yourself.
Remember: A.I.S. are just three little letters. They are not you. They do not dictate your life. Gonads are just a thing. Hormones are just pills you take.
Love, now, love – that’s the real magic. That’s when worrying about stupid gonads melts away and all that matters are the hazel of his or her eyes and the warmth of their arms around you.
You need to love yourself so deeply, and so confidently, that you can date and tell them early on, without fear, that you will not have biological children. This is not a flaw. This is just a truth – your truth.
If you love yourself enough to put your needs first, and find someone who respects you enough to listen to your needs, then everything will work out. Even if the relationship does not work, you know that your love is still out there waiting for only you, and that you kept your needs a priority.
1). Love Yourself Completely
2) Be Honest To Yourself and Your Partner
3) Respect Yourself and Your Partner
Editors Note as Someone with AIS who is Madly in Love:
I was 18 years old when I told my now husband I had AIS. We had known each other for 2 months, but man I loved this kid. I loved his smile and this cool confident way he moved. I didn’t want to lose him, but I believe deeply in honesty, and most importantly, I respected him. Even after only dating for 2 months, I knew I could never lie to this man, so I didn’t.
I told him the truth, and he respected me enough to listen. I didn’t know if he would accept me or reject me. I knew he wanted a family. I desperately wanted a family, and told him that I could never give him one. I cried. I cried for fear of losing him, and I cried for the babies that I’ll never have.
On that day a new dream was born – a collective dream. A dream of the two of us getting married some day and adopting a child together. A beautiful family woven together by love and choice, not blood.
Can I have sex?
Yes… but with proper planning.
So I’m speaking directly to CAIS and PAIS who have shortened vaginal canals. Sex for you is not like in the movies where you rip off your clothes and just do it. It requires planning, patience, and lots of prep. Let’s get started!
Dilatation
Before attempting intercourse, you will probably need to stretch and elongate the vagina. I know, sounds like a pain in the ass. It’s actually a pain in the cooch! Here’s some tips to make dilation go a little easier:
Use lots of lubrication. Do not go in dry. I don’t care how embarrassing it is to ask your mother to buy lube for you. I recommend a water based lubricant like Slippery Stuff.
Go Slow. If you go too fast, and try to increase in dilation sizes too quickly, you can really hurt yourself. The last thing you want is to tear or rip your vagina. Dilation takes time. Be patient.
Make sure you’re in the right hole. You’re very close to the urethra. You’re looking for the little pocket behind the ureathra. I recommend a hand mirror to check out the area to make sure you’re in the correct hole. You do not want to stick any foreign objects up your urethra and risk infection. Always make sure to wash your dilators with soap and warm water after use.
Get in the mood ;) . I know, I know, but hear me out. When you are turned on, the vaginal tissue expands and dilation doesn’t hurt. Your vagina becomes very stretchy and it makes for a much better experience for you. Might I recommend “Bridgerton” on Netflix, episode 6. That show was HOT.
Foreplay
Ok, you have discussed with your partner that you have AIS, and have previously completed dilation. What you need to understand is that Sex is not some math formula like Penis + Vagina = Man Cum & Done! Sex is what feels good for both parties, and may look different to every couple.
Foreplay, is EXTREMELY important when you have AIS to make sure that you are turned on and that your vagina is getting stretchy and ready to accept a penis or whatever (toys / fingers). TALK with your partner to find out what you enjoy, and make sure to not rush this step. Kiss, touch, fondle, just don’t skip foreplay or you’re going to have a bad time.
Stretching
The vagina may need to be stretched a bit for intercourse. This can be done GENTLY with fingers or very slowly by inserting the penis slowly inside the vagina, leaving time for the vagina to relax and expand. Once the vagina expands, you may have intercourse at whatever tempo you would like. What is important is that you are patient, comfortable, and listening to your body.
Baseball Bat Technique
So I learned about this from a doctor who specialized in patients with AIS. He told me to keep a baseball bat by the side of my bed. That way, if my husband ever went too fast and shoved it in, to take a baseball bat out and hit him with it. It’s a good way to remember that you and your partner must TAKE IT SLOW AND COMMUNICATE until the vaginal relaxes and stretches to accommodates the penis.
Alternate Techniques
When I was 15 I asked an adult, how do you have sex when you have AIS, and I was cryptically told, there are multiple other ways to have sex. I’m sure other 15 year olds knew what she was talking about, but I had no clue. Here’s a short list for other clueless people with like myself that don’t involve the vagina:
Hand Job / Fingering
Vibrator (Clitoris / Penis Stimulation)
Oral Sex
Anal Sex
Just because sex to procreate includes a penis and a vagina, doesn’t mean that sex if you have AIS means you have to have traditional intercourse. Talk with your partner and find what works for you. If you love vaginal intercourse - great! If you don’t love it - that’s great too! Be open, be honest, and always make sure your are comfortable and that there is consent.